I beg your pardon, I never promised you a Hoegaarden. No.8 The Albion Inn

When: 30 January 2012
Where: The Albion Inn, 28 Albion Hill, Brighton.
I paid: £3.50 for a pint of London Pride, innit?

The Albion Inn, Brighton. Not to be confused with The Albion Inn, Hove or indeed, The Albion Inn, Islington. Yet to visit the Hove offering but hopefully they're both better than this place. Situated halfway up Albion Hill, it's sandwiched between muesli friendly Hanover and the less salubrious tower blocks of the Ashton Rise estate. Unfortunately, I have first hand knowledge of the high-rise grubbiness because I used to work here. The only enjoyment coming from seeing how quickly I could pelt down the 12 storeys whilst delivering (the record being 4 mins 36 seconds, Thornsdale, June 2007....no misdeliveries that day then!) Oh what fun I had....

  The pub itself could probably do with a good scrub as well. There are two bars but both are sparsely furnished with a few tables and wooden flooring throughout. There are plenty of pictures adorning the walls, some are of relevant Brighton scenes but most are just a jumble that seem to have been put up to hide the faded decor more than anything. What should have been a big selling point for me is that there is a dartboard and electronic scoreboard in each bar. Indeed, if anywhere could be described as a 'darts' pub then this is it. The fixture list on the wall confirms that the pub currently has three teams playing in various Brighton leagues and a rickety trophy cabinet on the wall displays the silverware that they've won. Possibly the teams must be less than successful as the trophies bring to mind those handed out to the nerdy kid on school sports day just for turning up (I've still got mine somewhere).

For the non darts fan (God help you) there is also a bar billiards table but this has been carelessly shoved against a wall so that only a contortionist would be able to play properly. Ultimately the pub suffers from its location, it will live and die with its regulars as there are plenty of other decent drinking establishments in the immediate vicinity that all offer something more. I did briefly consider hanging around for the quiz at 9 P.M but unfortunately the barmaid chose this time to put 'Country Musics Greatest Plaintive Warbling, Volume II' on the jukebox and Hank Williams drove me out in to the cold January air.

Dog friendly: Yup                 Food: No menus in sight and I wouldn't eat in there anyway.

Outside seating: Small enclosed courtyard at the rear, mainly for smokers. Or stand outside on Albion Hill looking like a 'proper 'ard geezer' (even the women)

Entertainment: TWO dartboards!, bar billiards, fruit machine and a jukebox offering an impressive choice of songs. Probably the pubs only saving grace.

Quiz: Every Monday, 9 PM           Live Music: Rob Tate 5th February, apparently. (can't wait!)

OVERALL SCORE: Albion, Albion, Albion, Albion, Albion, Albioooooon, Albion, Albion, Albion, Albion, ALBION!! Meh......4/10

Seems to me you live your life like Piddle In The Wind. No.7 The Setting Sun

When: January 30th 2012
Where: The Setting Sun, 1 Windmill Street, Brighton
I paid: £3.30 for a pint of Piddle In the Wind

At the top of Carlton Hill on the fringes of the 'trendy' Hanover area stands The Setting Sun. As I'm the postman for the pub once a week I was hoping to scrounge a free pint but the friendly Aussie barman showed no signs of recognition and I was forced to stump up like a regular punter. I opted for a pint of the interestingly named 'Piddle In The Wind', which received a hearty endoresement from the barman. "If you like your stout mate you'll love that, it's got a great earthy taste". I just nodded and grinned, a standard reaction that's my mantra for life. Just nod and grin. If 'earthy' is another term for 'rank', then he was spot on. Maybe it's an acquired taste?

One of the big selling points of the pub are the sweeping views across the rooftops to the sea and even Worthing in the distance. Fantastic on a summers day, they are fetching even in the gathering gloom of a late January afternoon as the streetlights start to come on. There is a small enclosed patio area at the rear of the pub with seating and a comfortable extension should you wish to sit inside. The lighting is subdued with plenty of candles and the music played tends towards the dreary 'ambient' style but it's pitched at a level that is unobtrusive. With no pool table or TV's, it's perhaps not a pub for a lads night but more somewhere you'd stop for a quiet pint on the way home or maybe bring a date. (so I won't be going back in a hurry)

The food menu is extensive and competitively priced but £5.25 seems a wee bit ambitious for dessert. I was tempted by the Monday special of 'burger and a pint' for £6.50 but in the end just settled for another pint of the earthy stuff in the vain hope it would grow on me. Quiet when I arrived, the pub had started to fill up a bit and chatting to another punter whilst being served it somehow transpired that we were both in training for the marathon. This led to a challenge from the barman that neither of us could run down to the bottom of Carlton Hill and back to the pub inside 5 minutes.........Even with a pint of stout inside me I fancied my chances at this but Aussie boy then moved the goalposts to 4 minutes and the bet was off. (probably just as well as no prize had been discussed and quite apart from that I'd have looked bloody stupid). It's an idea to consider for the summer though. 'The Setting Sun challenge', with the fastest times going up on a wall of fame. Just as long as the prize isn't a pint of Piddle In The Wind eh?


Dog friendly: Nope                          Games: No pool table, dartboard, TV or jukebox. Not that kind of pub.

Outdoor seating: Patio area at rear and a couple of tables at the front     Quiz: Every 2nd Sunday

Live music: No                       Food: Large menu, freshly cooked and competitively priced.

OVERALL SCORE: 7/10 It's a view to a hill.

Where everybody knows the dogs name- No.6 The Stanley Arms

When: August 31 2011
Where: The Stanley Arms, 47 Wolseley Road, Portslade
I paid: £3 for a pint of Tribute, 80p to keep the dog quiet (mini cheddars)

Two Portslade pubs in one day then, but I was stuck dogsitting in the town and to be honest any rival distractions are pretty limited. I decided to treat Hannah the dog to a night out (I'm a nice guy) and it appeared she'd made the 200 yard journey on more than one previous occasion as from the moment we left the front door it was as if she was on a pre-programmed route. It became evident why when we entered the pub as she was greeted like an old friend by most of the regulars (I got a few polite nods) who proceeded to ply her with crisps and mini-cheddars, making a mockery of the strict diet she was on (sorry Daz!).

It's a friendly place, tucked away in a row of terraced houses in a quiet part of town. Despite this, it's commonly known as 'Portslade's best pub' which may not be the highest accolade in the world but it ensures that things are rarely quiet. The pub offers an excellent selection of real ales on tap and regularly hosts its own beer festivals. Like The Victoria, it also has a dartboard but that's pretty much where the similarities end. An interesting array of football memorabilia adorns the walls and this kept me amused whilst the regulars continued to fuss over Hannah. My original plans to just stay for 'a quick pint' were soon abandoned.

It was pub quiz night and fortified by a few pints of Tribute I decided to enter. The Stanley is split into two small bars and the quiz was only meant to be taking place in one of them but such was the demand that there ended up being an overspill of teams in both bars. This led to the somewhat flustered quiz master shuttling back and forth to do the marking and read out the questions twice (ever heard of a microphone?). A few well meaning non-participants decided to stop feeding Hannah and fed me with a few duff answers instead (Janis Joplin?!?). By the end of Round 2 it became obvious I was hopefully adrift in the scoring but I was enjoying myself too much to care. The barman then bought round individual dishes of crisps and cheese for every team (Hannah enjoyed it) which I thought was a nice touch. Unfortunately, the steady supply of snacks started to play havoc with her guts and some unpleasant smells (it wasn't me!) led to a few funny looks from other punters.....Time to go then, but I will be back.

I don't want to go home!

Dog friendly: Very                         Games: Dartboard, no pool table, 2 TV's showing Sky Sports

Food: 'A range of hot and cold food available at bar' apparently, didn't see a menu or pricelist.

Outdoor seating: Small patio area at the rear        Live music: Yup, regularly

Meat raffle: Every Sunday!          Quiz: Erm yeah, it's Wednesday nights

OVERALL SCORE: 8.5/10.........Portslade's best pub? I think so.

Erm, it's got a dartboard- No.5 The Victoria

When: August 31 2011
Where: The Victoria, 1 Victoria Road, Portslade
I paid: £3.95 for a pint of Grolsch

The Victoria stands on the corner of Victoria (hence the name) Road and Station Road in Portslade, immediately outside Portslade train station. It's just plain Victoria, not Queen Victoria a la EastEnders and the barman is more Grubby George than Dirty Den but he proves to be pleasant enough as soon as he's stopped cleaning his ear out with a pen long enough to serve me.

It has a surprisingly larger interior than it appears from the outside, spread over two bars. One side houses the pool table, dartboard (yeehah!) and fruit machine as well as the majority of the tables and seating, whilst the other is just as large but more spartanly furnished and it's here I decide to make my notes. There are TV's in both bars showing Sky Sports and ESPN and the whole place is done out with a somewhat dubious carpet of the type that can be seen on repeats of George and Mildred. The small but commited band of drinkers at the bar lend what little atmosphere there is.

The table where I make my notes is even stickier than the carpet and I'm surrounded by uncollected glasses. In fact the whole place just smacks of lethargy but I suppose when your only competition comes from the Whistlestop Inn just the other side of the tracks then you really don't need to try that hard. A sign above the bar states that food is served from 12:00 to 14:30 but I can see no menu or pricelist (I'm not sure I'd want to order anyway if Grubby George is serving). The toilets are clean but somewhat shabby and there are the usual notices about anyone caught selling drugs will be barred for life etc.(if they really wanted to punish them they should give them a lifetime pass). In short, I really don't see how places like this keep going. I suppose at a push I might pop in for a swift pint if my train was delayed, it's marginally better than hanging around on the platform (especially now Demented Rabbit has retired!) but it's not the sort of pub I would lend my regular custom. As I'm leaving I see the advert for 'Karaoke with Johnny! Every Thurs. and Sat.' and I have a sudden urge to return tomorrow night and see just how bad it can be (Grubby George does 'I will Survive') but I have another 895+ pubs to get through yet so unfortunately I'll have to give it a miss.

Dog Friendly: Yes                Games: Pool, darts, fruit machine.

Food: Allegedly. Plenty of stale peanuts on the carpet as well.

Outside seating: Large patio at rear and a separate covered smoking area.

Quiz: None               Live Music: Hey, you've got 'Karaoke with Johnny!' what do you need live music for?

OVERALL SCORE: 2.5/10.....it's got a dartboard and it's in Portslade. Don't knock the 'Slade.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside-No.3 The Bristol Bar

When: 27 August 2011
Where: The Bristol Bar, Paston Place, Brighton
I paid: £3.70 for a pint of Kronenbourg

I'd originally intended to review a pub in the town centre but Brighton on a sunny Bank Holiday Saturday is not a particularly pleasant place to be. Scores of daytrippers and tourists descend on the seafront and surrounding streets and whilst I appreciate the obvious boost to the town's economy, it can make trying to find a relatively peaceful pub at 5 o'clock an almost impossible task. So after a few frustrating minutes wandering around the lanes I decided to cut my losses and head up the coast to Kemp Town and what a wise decision it turned out to be.

  Just half a mile away from the centre but far enough to be invisible to the tourist radar, stands the Bristol Bar. A large Regency building with a hotel attached, it's situated on the main seafront road but the guests only car-park at the front helps to minimise the sound of the passing traffic. Inside, it's large but cosy, with wooden floors and panelling and many momentos scattered around the bar with a strong nautical theme. There is plenty of comfortable seating available but like most of the other punters I made a beeline for one of the wicker chairs in the window. For the Bristol Bar's biggest selling point (well there is another one, we'll come to that later) is the view. The sea positively glistened in the early evening sunshine and I defy anyone to sit there and watch the waves crashing over the Marina arm in the distance and not feel that everything is alright with the world (or at least that they want to hang around for another pint). The relaxed atmosphere was spoilt at that moment by the barmaid deciding to put on a Michael Buble CD but hey, you can't have everything.

The pub offers a comprehensive menu of homecooked food and I watched the couple on the next table tuck into a massive plate of cheesy chips, priced at a very reasonable £2.40. Better still, if you overindulge then you can always work off the excess calories with a game of table tennis in the pool room. This for me vies with the view to be the Bristol Bar's biggest selling point and I ended up staying far longer than intended as I got involved in a few intense games with the regulars. To cap the evening off, the resident DJ came on and played a brilliant mix of funk, soul and blues that could've been tailor made for me. The Bristol Bar is pretty much the perfect pub......just a shame about the Buble.

Dog Friendly: Yes           Games: Did I mention they have ping pong? A few board games. No TV.

Food: A full menu, reasonable prices. Didn't indulge but it certainly looked good.

Outside seating: Tables chairs and wooden benches on Paston Place, gets a bit cool in the evening when out of the sun but you still get the sea view.

Quiz: None                       Live music: Jazz on a Thursday night

OVERALL SCORE: 9/10......Just can't overlook the Buble, sorry.

Poisson et frites-No.2 The Basketmakers Arms

When: August 26 2011
Where: The Basketmakers Arms, 39 Cheltenham Place, Brighton
I paid: £3.60 for a pint of HSB, £9.00 for fish & chips

It's Friday lunchtime, I've just finished for the week, it's a Bank Holiday weekend and I'm heading to a pub that I know I already like. Even having spent the previous three hours trudging around Hanover in the rain can't dampen my spirits. Furthermore, I'm not even going to be Billy-No-Mates. My french colleague Philippe is joining me for lunch, if the fish and chips he's been banging on about for weeks are half as good as he says they are then we could well be looking at the first perfect score of 10 just two pubs into my mission.

Situated on the fringes of Brightons bohemian North Laine area the pub is just far enough away from the beaten track to make it a pub for locals rather than tourists. This Friday lunchtime it's packed with a genial mix of students, office workers, pensioners and off duty postmen (and probably some on duty ones as well). It's small size and low ceilings just help to add to the convival atmosphere. The walls are decorated with old tobacco tins and there is no fruit machine or pool table but they are not needed, it's the kind of Brighton pub you'd be happy to bring your family. Offering a large array of whiskies as well as eight different ales on tap I'm spoilt for choice, not wanting to spend the entire mission drinking generic lagers and/or orange juice and lemonade I opt for a pint of HSB (verdict: alright I guess...fortunately I'm here to review the pub not the beer). We then head outside to wait for the eagerly anticipated fish and chips.

Being sandwiched on a corner there is no beer garden but there are a few scattered tables and chairs on the street with an awning to keep the rain off. Despite this, there was rather a stiff breeze making things uncomfortable and I was going to suggest to Philippe we might be better off inside but he was already headed back to the bar for another round. I was with a frenchman who drinks like a poisson. By now we had been joined by quite a crowd of off/on duty postmen and we all chatted easily with the regulars, it's that kind of pub. The fish and chips when they turned up didn't quite live up to the build up they had been given (verdict: pretty good, filled a hole.....fortunately I'm reviewing the pub not the food) but I didn't mind. The sun had come out, the company was good and I was in no particular hurry to go home. In short, I liked it there. And you will too.

Dog friendly: Yes              Games: None. But who cares?

Outside seating: No patio or beer garden but a few tables and chairs on the street.

Quiz: Wednesday night                Live music: None. Probably a wee bit too small.

Food: A sizeable menu offering an impressive selction of starters, main courses and specials. Average pub prices.

OVERALL SCORE: 9/10......Would have been higher but Philippe moaned that the mushy peas were not mushy peas but just peas that had been mashed. Sacre bleu!

The mission begins- No.1 The Palmeira

When: 24 August 2011
Location: Palmeira Pub 70-71 Cromwell Road, Hove
I paid: £2.41 for a pint of orange juice and lemonade. (wimp)

Ok, so maybe it's something of a copout starting 100 yards from my front door but I had to start somewhere so why not with what could technically be termed my 'local'? Copout no. 2, I'm not even drinking, not in the alcohol sense of the word anyway. Mindful of the previous weekends lager overindulgence (by my admittedly lightweight standards) and the forthcoming Bank Holiday weekend, I decide to give my consumption of alcohol units a deserved night off and opt for a wimpy orange juice and lemonade.

"We've got the games that matter", boasts the billboard outside the pub. And evidently those that don't. Despite there being three flatscreen TV's dotted around the pub showing Arsenal's Champions League clash with Udinese, the place is sparsely populated and devoid of atmosphere save for one or two plastic gooners halfheartedly berating their teams efforts. But I didn't come here to watch football and maybe nobody else does either. Perhaps on the nights no football is shown the place is really buzzing? Perhaps. Situated on the fringes of a middle-class area (I know that because I live here, haha) it's location probably does it no favours. Large and impersonal, it just doesn't have the feel of a cosy neighbourhood 'local' and this being Hove, there are plenty of alternative options within walking distance. They must rue the day that Legal & General decamped from their head office in Davigdor Road, immediately taking away the bulk of the lunchtime and early evening trade. Still, I didn't want to start with a bad review. There's nothing particularly wrong with the pub, it's clean, the staff are friendly and there's no undercurrent of aggression that you sometimes get in pubs where football is showing. Best of all, should I ever decide to return and opt for something a bit stronger than OJ and lemonade, at least I haven't got far to stagger home....

Dog Friendly: No dogs                   Games: Fruit machine. No pool table, dartboard or jukebox.

Outside seating: A few tables and chairs at the front on Cromwell Road and a small patio at the back that has been annexed by the smoking crowd.

Food: Surprisingly large menu offering the standard pub fare as well as a few surprises (strawberries and cream?). Reasonably priced. Financial constraints kept me from indulging.

Quiz: Tuesday night                           Live music: Forgot to ask, I doubt it.

OVERALL SCORE: 5.5/10.........meh.