Erm, it's got a dartboard- No.5 The Victoria

When: August 31 2011
Where: The Victoria, 1 Victoria Road, Portslade
I paid: £3.95 for a pint of Grolsch

The Victoria stands on the corner of Victoria (hence the name) Road and Station Road in Portslade, immediately outside Portslade train station. It's just plain Victoria, not Queen Victoria a la EastEnders and the barman is more Grubby George than Dirty Den but he proves to be pleasant enough as soon as he's stopped cleaning his ear out with a pen long enough to serve me.

It has a surprisingly larger interior than it appears from the outside, spread over two bars. One side houses the pool table, dartboard (yeehah!) and fruit machine as well as the majority of the tables and seating, whilst the other is just as large but more spartanly furnished and it's here I decide to make my notes. There are TV's in both bars showing Sky Sports and ESPN and the whole place is done out with a somewhat dubious carpet of the type that can be seen on repeats of George and Mildred. The small but commited band of drinkers at the bar lend what little atmosphere there is.

The table where I make my notes is even stickier than the carpet and I'm surrounded by uncollected glasses. In fact the whole place just smacks of lethargy but I suppose when your only competition comes from the Whistlestop Inn just the other side of the tracks then you really don't need to try that hard. A sign above the bar states that food is served from 12:00 to 14:30 but I can see no menu or pricelist (I'm not sure I'd want to order anyway if Grubby George is serving). The toilets are clean but somewhat shabby and there are the usual notices about anyone caught selling drugs will be barred for life etc.(if they really wanted to punish them they should give them a lifetime pass). In short, I really don't see how places like this keep going. I suppose at a push I might pop in for a swift pint if my train was delayed, it's marginally better than hanging around on the platform (especially now Demented Rabbit has retired!) but it's not the sort of pub I would lend my regular custom. As I'm leaving I see the advert for 'Karaoke with Johnny! Every Thurs. and Sat.' and I have a sudden urge to return tomorrow night and see just how bad it can be (Grubby George does 'I will Survive') but I have another 895+ pubs to get through yet so unfortunately I'll have to give it a miss.

Dog Friendly: Yes                Games: Pool, darts, fruit machine.

Food: Allegedly. Plenty of stale peanuts on the carpet as well.

Outside seating: Large patio at rear and a separate covered smoking area.

Quiz: None               Live Music: Hey, you've got 'Karaoke with Johnny!' what do you need live music for?

OVERALL SCORE: 2.5/10.....it's got a dartboard and it's in Portslade. Don't knock the 'Slade.