Table for two, sir? No.20- The Cliftonville Inn

When: Wednesday May 15th 2013
Where: The Cliftonville Inn, 98-101 George Street, Hove
I paid: £2.29 for a pint of Godfather's, £6.79 for steak & kidney pudding for erm, two

I'd just spent the last hour at my book club, digesting the joyful 'Night Circus' by Erin Morgenstern. Wrestling with those all important questions such as "how does Isobel serve as a foil to Celia"?, or more pertinently, "what the hell I am doing here"? Face it, you too would need a pint on the way home after suffering through that. Options are limited in this neck of the woods however and I couldn't go to the Slug & Lettuce as I didn't have a sweater to drape around my shoulders. Enter the Cliftonville Inn, a franchise of the much derided Wetherspoons chain. Cheap, cheerful and offering plenty of opportunity for more soul searching,  "a quick pint, or a bite to eat as well"?, or more pertinently, "what the hell am I doing here"?

You know where you are with a Wetherspoons though, there are no surprises. And no frills. A large room filled with rather desperate looking punters with noses that would put Alex Ferguson to shame, putting the world to rights. Most of them look like they've been there a good few hours. Unsurprisingly, I spot a few postmen. Whilst  I'm waiting at the bar, a man named Julian is being refused service from the barman. You've got to go some to be refused service at a Wetherspoons. Julian causes a scene that makes even the hardened drinkers look up from their pints and then he meekly slinks away, compounding his embarrassment by pushing for 30 seconds on the exit door marked 'pull'. I overhear the barman telling his colleague that they'd had to get the paramedics in to treat Julian that morning and he'd only been released from hospital a couple of hours previously. Hardcore. Also a little bit sad.

I'm a fine one to talk about being sad. Despite being a Billy nae Mates I decide to order the arbitrary priced two steak & kidney puddings for £6.79, and eat them myself. All that reading had given me an appetite, I could only hope the food would be easier to digest than 'The Night Circus'. I go through the pretence of waiting for a friend, looking at my watch and playing with my phone but I don't think the staff are fooled. Fortunately they're too kind to say anything and my fellow drinkers are too busy chowing down on their own food or watching the Chelsea game to notice as I wolf the lot. One of the big screen TV's in the pub is showing the football the other is tuned in to a soap opera I don't recognise, possibly EastEnders. As a concession to the fact that most of the punters are of pensionable age and maybe hard of hearing, the subtitles are switched on. That's no use to those that are also blind as a bat however (i.e. me) and I can only speculate as to what they might say (cor blimey Alfie, whatcha fink, is it Shell's baby?). The atmosphere is all quite amiable and I decide to stay for another (pint, not steak & kidney pudding). That's the good thing about a Wetherspoons, at £2.29 a pint, a considerable lightweight such as me could get hammered for under a tenner if I so desired. Sorted.

Dog Friendly: Yes                                       Quiz: No

Food: A large menu, breakfast served from 8 AM, coffee, 2 for 1 deals, probably not the greatest food in the world but for the price you can't complain. Quite a large selection of drinks, from £1.99 a pint (or half by the time most of them have been transported to their destination).

Entertainment: Two fruit machines. A couple of large screen TV's. Sky TV. Watching Julian get barred.

Live Music: None

Outside seating: None, stand and smoke on George Street or handily placed for nipping to Ladbrokes across the way. Decoration in the pub is sparse, tables rather than any comfortable seating and a dubious carpet.

Toilets: Stank

Miscellaneous: Praise for the bar staff who were probably the friendliest yet and turned a blind eye as I demolished two steak & kidney puddings.

OVERALL SCORE: 3.5/10................does exactly what it says on the tin.