We gotta get out of this place. No.13 The Bat & Ball

When: Saturday, February 11th 2012
Where: Bat & Ball, 51 Ditchling Road, Brighton
I paid: £4.90 for a pint of Courage and a 'wee' brandy.

When I first started this blog part of the aim was to hopefully uncover a few hidden gems. A nice little undiscovered pub tucked away in the back streets perhaps. On the flipside though, it was accepted that eventually I would have to visit a pub that was so God-awful as to have no redeeming features whatsoever. Unfortunately, the Bat & Ball falls squarely into this category.

The pub stands alongside a busy stretch of Ditchling Road that is a jumble of bus lanes, roadworks, pedestrian crossings and one-way streets. Unsurprisingly, it's a notorious accident black spot and the fresh flowers tied to a nearby lampost testify to yet another recent tragedy. Just as surprisingly, as far as I know none of the accidents have been attributed to a sozzled Bat & Ball regular staggering into the road. The pub opens as early as 10 a.m and I've become accustomed to the sight of the hardcore getting in a few 'cheeky' early pints as I pass by whilst working. They might be a step up from the street drinkers on the nearby Level but they're a second cousin, not far removed.

The pub itself is a small affair with spartan furnishings and no comfortable seating. There are TV's at either end of the pub but one of them is an ancient portable from perhaps the mid-1990's and this remained turned off throughout my visit, unless they were just waiting for it to warm up. The other was showing Italy v England in the rugby six nations but few were paying it any heed. They preferred instead to watch the drunk woman drop coins all over the floor whilst attempting to feed them into the jukebox. Nobody was kind enough to point out the large 'jukebox free after 2 p.m. Saturdays' sign, least of all me. When she finally found the necessary dexterity to make her choices she then proceeded to put Adele's 'Rolling in the deep' on three times in a row. Given the choice between listening to that or to the toothless sixty-somethings screech suggestive remarks at each other across the bar, I'd have taken the ancient courtship rituals.

The excitement level almost reached fever pitch when it was announced it was time for the meat raffle. It was by now past 5 p.m. and the draw was to have taken place at 2:30 but when there's a leg of lamb to be won, who's quibbling? I'd earlier found a spare pound coin on the floor (in the vicinity of the jukebox) so was able to join in the fun but as so often in this life I was once again a loser. I did get the pleasure of watching 'Eileen' parading around with the chicken she'd won as second prize though whilst all the blokes leered and made comments along the lines of  'nice breast, darlin' ho ho! Ultimately, the only thing the Bat & Ball has going for it is that everybody seems happy with their lot. The regulars may be a bit of a shoddy bunch but the atmosphere is not a hostile one (although I did get sneered at in the Gents for washing my hands like some kind of pansy) and everyone seems to get on. Maybe when I'm a toothless, pathetic alcoholic I'll enjoy it so much more. Give it another five years then.

Dog friendly: In the unlikely event you can drag them across the threshold, yes.

Entertainment: Dartboard!, two TV's, jukebox free after 2 p.m Saturdays.        Quiz: No

Meat raffle: Hell, yeah!                  Food: None. And a piss poor selection of drinks come to that.

Outdoor seating: The park benches on The Level?

Miscellaneous: Sunday afternoon is Karaoke apparently. I'll let someone else confirm this.

OVERALL SCORE: -1/10..........OI!, Bat & Ball, NO!