Erm, it's got a dartboard- No.5 The Victoria

When: August 31 2011
Where: The Victoria, 1 Victoria Road, Portslade
I paid: £3.95 for a pint of Grolsch

The Victoria stands on the corner of Victoria (hence the name) Road and Station Road in Portslade, immediately outside Portslade train station. It's just plain Victoria, not Queen Victoria a la EastEnders and the barman is more Grubby George than Dirty Den but he proves to be pleasant enough as soon as he's stopped cleaning his ear out with a pen long enough to serve me.

It has a surprisingly larger interior than it appears from the outside, spread over two bars. One side houses the pool table, dartboard (yeehah!) and fruit machine as well as the majority of the tables and seating, whilst the other is just as large but more spartanly furnished and it's here I decide to make my notes. There are TV's in both bars showing Sky Sports and ESPN and the whole place is done out with a somewhat dubious carpet of the type that can be seen on repeats of George and Mildred. The small but commited band of drinkers at the bar lend what little atmosphere there is.

The table where I make my notes is even stickier than the carpet and I'm surrounded by uncollected glasses. In fact the whole place just smacks of lethargy but I suppose when your only competition comes from the Whistlestop Inn just the other side of the tracks then you really don't need to try that hard. A sign above the bar states that food is served from 12:00 to 14:30 but I can see no menu or pricelist (I'm not sure I'd want to order anyway if Grubby George is serving). The toilets are clean but somewhat shabby and there are the usual notices about anyone caught selling drugs will be barred for life etc.(if they really wanted to punish them they should give them a lifetime pass). In short, I really don't see how places like this keep going. I suppose at a push I might pop in for a swift pint if my train was delayed, it's marginally better than hanging around on the platform (especially now Demented Rabbit has retired!) but it's not the sort of pub I would lend my regular custom. As I'm leaving I see the advert for 'Karaoke with Johnny! Every Thurs. and Sat.' and I have a sudden urge to return tomorrow night and see just how bad it can be (Grubby George does 'I will Survive') but I have another 895+ pubs to get through yet so unfortunately I'll have to give it a miss.

Dog Friendly: Yes                Games: Pool, darts, fruit machine.

Food: Allegedly. Plenty of stale peanuts on the carpet as well.

Outside seating: Large patio at rear and a separate covered smoking area.

Quiz: None               Live Music: Hey, you've got 'Karaoke with Johnny!' what do you need live music for?

OVERALL SCORE: 2.5/10.....it's got a dartboard and it's in Portslade. Don't knock the 'Slade.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside-No.3 The Bristol Bar

When: 27 August 2011
Where: The Bristol Bar, Paston Place, Brighton
I paid: £3.70 for a pint of Kronenbourg

I'd originally intended to review a pub in the town centre but Brighton on a sunny Bank Holiday Saturday is not a particularly pleasant place to be. Scores of daytrippers and tourists descend on the seafront and surrounding streets and whilst I appreciate the obvious boost to the town's economy, it can make trying to find a relatively peaceful pub at 5 o'clock an almost impossible task. So after a few frustrating minutes wandering around the lanes I decided to cut my losses and head up the coast to Kemp Town and what a wise decision it turned out to be.

  Just half a mile away from the centre but far enough to be invisible to the tourist radar, stands the Bristol Bar. A large Regency building with a hotel attached, it's situated on the main seafront road but the guests only car-park at the front helps to minimise the sound of the passing traffic. Inside, it's large but cosy, with wooden floors and panelling and many momentos scattered around the bar with a strong nautical theme. There is plenty of comfortable seating available but like most of the other punters I made a beeline for one of the wicker chairs in the window. For the Bristol Bar's biggest selling point (well there is another one, we'll come to that later) is the view. The sea positively glistened in the early evening sunshine and I defy anyone to sit there and watch the waves crashing over the Marina arm in the distance and not feel that everything is alright with the world (or at least that they want to hang around for another pint). The relaxed atmosphere was spoilt at that moment by the barmaid deciding to put on a Michael Buble CD but hey, you can't have everything.

The pub offers a comprehensive menu of homecooked food and I watched the couple on the next table tuck into a massive plate of cheesy chips, priced at a very reasonable £2.40. Better still, if you overindulge then you can always work off the excess calories with a game of table tennis in the pool room. This for me vies with the view to be the Bristol Bar's biggest selling point and I ended up staying far longer than intended as I got involved in a few intense games with the regulars. To cap the evening off, the resident DJ came on and played a brilliant mix of funk, soul and blues that could've been tailor made for me. The Bristol Bar is pretty much the perfect pub......just a shame about the Buble.

Dog Friendly: Yes           Games: Did I mention they have ping pong? A few board games. No TV.

Food: A full menu, reasonable prices. Didn't indulge but it certainly looked good.

Outside seating: Tables chairs and wooden benches on Paston Place, gets a bit cool in the evening when out of the sun but you still get the sea view.

Quiz: None                       Live music: Jazz on a Thursday night

OVERALL SCORE: 9/10......Just can't overlook the Buble, sorry.

Poisson et frites-No.2 The Basketmakers Arms

When: August 26 2011
Where: The Basketmakers Arms, 39 Cheltenham Place, Brighton
I paid: £3.60 for a pint of HSB, £9.00 for fish & chips

It's Friday lunchtime, I've just finished for the week, it's a Bank Holiday weekend and I'm heading to a pub that I know I already like. Even having spent the previous three hours trudging around Hanover in the rain can't dampen my spirits. Furthermore, I'm not even going to be Billy-No-Mates. My french colleague Philippe is joining me for lunch, if the fish and chips he's been banging on about for weeks are half as good as he says they are then we could well be looking at the first perfect score of 10 just two pubs into my mission.

Situated on the fringes of Brightons bohemian North Laine area the pub is just far enough away from the beaten track to make it a pub for locals rather than tourists. This Friday lunchtime it's packed with a genial mix of students, office workers, pensioners and off duty postmen (and probably some on duty ones as well). It's small size and low ceilings just help to add to the convival atmosphere. The walls are decorated with old tobacco tins and there is no fruit machine or pool table but they are not needed, it's the kind of Brighton pub you'd be happy to bring your family. Offering a large array of whiskies as well as eight different ales on tap I'm spoilt for choice, not wanting to spend the entire mission drinking generic lagers and/or orange juice and lemonade I opt for a pint of HSB (verdict: alright I guess...fortunately I'm here to review the pub not the beer). We then head outside to wait for the eagerly anticipated fish and chips.

Being sandwiched on a corner there is no beer garden but there are a few scattered tables and chairs on the street with an awning to keep the rain off. Despite this, there was rather a stiff breeze making things uncomfortable and I was going to suggest to Philippe we might be better off inside but he was already headed back to the bar for another round. I was with a frenchman who drinks like a poisson. By now we had been joined by quite a crowd of off/on duty postmen and we all chatted easily with the regulars, it's that kind of pub. The fish and chips when they turned up didn't quite live up to the build up they had been given (verdict: pretty good, filled a hole.....fortunately I'm reviewing the pub not the food) but I didn't mind. The sun had come out, the company was good and I was in no particular hurry to go home. In short, I liked it there. And you will too.

Dog friendly: Yes              Games: None. But who cares?

Outside seating: No patio or beer garden but a few tables and chairs on the street.

Quiz: Wednesday night                Live music: None. Probably a wee bit too small.

Food: A sizeable menu offering an impressive selction of starters, main courses and specials. Average pub prices.

OVERALL SCORE: 9/10......Would have been higher but Philippe moaned that the mushy peas were not mushy peas but just peas that had been mashed. Sacre bleu!

The mission begins- No.1 The Palmeira

When: 24 August 2011
Location: Palmeira Pub 70-71 Cromwell Road, Hove
I paid: £2.41 for a pint of orange juice and lemonade. (wimp)

Ok, so maybe it's something of a copout starting 100 yards from my front door but I had to start somewhere so why not with what could technically be termed my 'local'? Copout no. 2, I'm not even drinking, not in the alcohol sense of the word anyway. Mindful of the previous weekends lager overindulgence (by my admittedly lightweight standards) and the forthcoming Bank Holiday weekend, I decide to give my consumption of alcohol units a deserved night off and opt for a wimpy orange juice and lemonade.

"We've got the games that matter", boasts the billboard outside the pub. And evidently those that don't. Despite there being three flatscreen TV's dotted around the pub showing Arsenal's Champions League clash with Udinese, the place is sparsely populated and devoid of atmosphere save for one or two plastic gooners halfheartedly berating their teams efforts. But I didn't come here to watch football and maybe nobody else does either. Perhaps on the nights no football is shown the place is really buzzing? Perhaps. Situated on the fringes of a middle-class area (I know that because I live here, haha) it's location probably does it no favours. Large and impersonal, it just doesn't have the feel of a cosy neighbourhood 'local' and this being Hove, there are plenty of alternative options within walking distance. They must rue the day that Legal & General decamped from their head office in Davigdor Road, immediately taking away the bulk of the lunchtime and early evening trade. Still, I didn't want to start with a bad review. There's nothing particularly wrong with the pub, it's clean, the staff are friendly and there's no undercurrent of aggression that you sometimes get in pubs where football is showing. Best of all, should I ever decide to return and opt for something a bit stronger than OJ and lemonade, at least I haven't got far to stagger home....

Dog Friendly: No dogs                   Games: Fruit machine. No pool table, dartboard or jukebox.

Outside seating: A few tables and chairs at the front on Cromwell Road and a small patio at the back that has been annexed by the smoking crowd.

Food: Surprisingly large menu offering the standard pub fare as well as a few surprises (strawberries and cream?). Reasonably priced. Financial constraints kept me from indulging.

Quiz: Tuesday night                           Live music: Forgot to ask, I doubt it.

OVERALL SCORE: 5.5/10.........meh.

The mission

Just how many pubs are there in Brighton? I was thinking about this yesterday and vaguely recalled hearing at some point that there were over 300, or nearly enough to be able to drink in a different establishment every day of the year. So I decided to check online and I was wrong, apparently there are over 900 pubs in Brighton, ranging from traditional 'locals' to trendy pre-club bars. This led me to wondering how many of these I had actually drank in myself and the answer, particularly as I have lived in Brighton all my adult life, is relatively few. Maybe this is not so surprising, given that myself and the word 'trendy' rarely appear in the same sentence and like most people I discovered my favourite pubs long ago and see drinking in a different one as a bit too adventurous for the likes of me. But 900 is a huge amount for such a small city, what if by limiting myself to the usual haunts I am missing out on some hidden gems? So I've decided to put a plan in to action that I have been kicking around for a couple of years and have a drink in every one of Brighton's 900 pubs, be they trendy, local, gay (gulp) or a complete shithole and then I'm going to write a review of the pub. Obviously this can't be accomplished all on one night, this would leave me requiring medical attention before I'd barely completed 1% of the mission. Even the idea of having a pint in a different pub every night of the week is impractical, given my lack of financial clout and the fact that I'm (allegedly) in training to run two marathons next year. Even if I were by some miracle able to pull this off then it would still take me nearly two and a half years, longer considering  that new drinking establishments seem to spring up with alarming frequency. So there will be no timescale and no rules. As I say, I've been in Brighton all my adult life and as there appears no real sign of this changing in the near future I can complete this mission at my leisure. In doing so I hope to compile a helpful dossier on Brighton pubs that people might like to read. Whether they then choose to disregard my (honest!) observations is up to them. And if by chance any bar staff get to hear of my mission then I'll let it be known now that a favourable review will only cost you a free pint. Maybe I'm kidding myself and the only one who'll end up reading my reviews is myself? What the hell, I'll have fun doing it....I think. All this thinking, I need a drink.